Praise for God

     Recently I had a conversation with a friend about what it means to 'Praise God,' because we were having a conversation about corporate churches with paid pastors. My friend pointed out something that I misunderstood because when I hear the phrase 'giving praise to God' I immediately get this image in my head of standing in a building with a bunch of fellow believers, singing with the choir with our hands raise...

      I shared that with my friend, and he reminded me that doing that was only a single form of praise. It got me to thinking about how I don't do that, and I started to wonder how I do praise God if I don't do that.

     What I just thought about a moment ago was the fact that when I hear somebody talk about the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I feel this thing happen inside of me that is hard to explain. I feel like crying, or shouting "YES!" or doing something that feels so over the top that I can't put it into words. What's funny is that I've found recently that once I hear that truth, I want to share it with everybody. I want everybody to hear this truth that I just heard, hopping beyond hope that they get the same feeling...

     I think that may be another way of giving Praise to God, but not only God - Jesus too. Jesus, what he did, what he was all about, how he loved in ways that I could only hope to love one day. I think that's my soul giving Praise to God when I feel that... Who could ask for anything more then to feel their soul giving Praise to God? The very essence of ones being, crying out in joy to the truth of Jesus Christ, and his Father!

It's a little late, and I'm kind of tired. It was a long day, but I wanted to write something about that and publish it to the web before I went to sleep so that I can hopefully build on it later.

Nothing New

I haven't written anything lately because nothing new is really going on. That isn't to say that there isn't something new happening all the time, but as far as my life goes it's kind of the same shit with slightly different events, yet the same result ever time.

The thought that at the end of our lives all we're gonna have are memories, it is a shame that these last few months aren't gonna be anything really worth remembering.

Somebody made a comment today as I was walking by them. They said "You don't look very happy," and my reply was "Typically I'm not." Last I asked myself "Why am I not happy? What's going on? Am I stuck in a 'I'll be happy when' rut that really doesn't have an end to it other then death?

I can either back track these past few months and try to figure out why I'm depressed, or just take the steps to get out of this "depression" and move on.
It's sad that I can't just answer the 'what are you gonna do?' question...

Sympathy vs Empathy - A.A. & N.A.

I just got done reading a publication about Sympathy vs Empathy and because I don't have a huge database of references to pull from, I have to connect that information with biblical scripture as well as Anonymous Recovery terminology because basically.. that's all I've got.

The first thing that came to mind as I was finishing the article about the difference between sympathy and empathy is the relationship I see between the A.A. and N.A. "Oldtimers." (Alcoholics Anonymous & Narcotics Anonymous.)
I don' t know how true the accounting is, but I've been given a few different stories as to why there is such a rivalry between the two fellowships.

Before I turn this into a research paper, I kinda just wanna state my case and leave it at that so I can get back to doing my homework, which I've been lacking on for the past few weeks..

An alcoholic can have sympathy for somebody that's been addicted to narcotics, but would not necessarily share an empathetic perspective unless the person with a narcotic addiction had experienced an addiction to alcohol as well.
A person that solely used narcotics addictively would not share an empathetic perspective with somebody that only drank alcohol. In that case, only a scene of sympathy could be present in the addict.

Unless these emotional states are present in either of the persons, no sense of compassion will manifest and a desire to find differences will pervade. That being the case, ethnocentrism will be the result, and there will be no chance of recovery.

Why that's relevant, or even worth writing anything about, is because I wonder where the children caught in the crossfire sit. Those that have drank alcoholically as well as used narcotics addictively.

People like me don't really have a house to claim, which is why I've found my recovery in Jesus, NOT RELIGION OR CHURCH.

After reading the bible, and being around both the N.A. and A.A. communities, I've learned that they too, like church's, are subject to the folly of religious practices.
You will get you're head torn off by the statement: "We're spiritual, not religious" if you ever make mention to the similarities, but they are there if you know what you're looking for.


The article I read can be found HERE:
http://robin.hubpages.com/hub/Sympathy_vs_Empathy

Out'a nowhere!

I wanted to write something tonight. I haven't written anything in a while, but I don't feel too bad because I've been keeping up on my V-Log so at least I'm not closing up.

Lot's of stuff has happen since I last posted here, so it would take a while to catch that aspect up. I'm not going to do that because honestly I should be working on my homework/studying, but I've been kinda fucking around for the past few hours and my lack of attention is starting to annoy even me.

I wanna talk about the fact that I feel bad because I haven't had the time to be as apart of Living Stones as I originally intended to be, but it's lame to "feel bad" about that. Honestly me feeling bad that I can't participate in the social aspect of church is insulting when it comes to the reality of why we go to church.

The whole thing is confusing to me because there seems to be a multilayered issue behind my not wanting to attend Living Stones as religiously as I feel like I should, and then there's also the "letting people down" aspect behind that (which is social, so irrelevant) but it's strange that wither any of this is important or not depends on who you ask, or which context the information is being provided in... It's an inconsistency thing which makes it all really difficult to understand...


Anyway, that aside. I read Acts 3 to 5 tonight because I'm keeping up on reading one book of the bible every week with my friend Josh, and it's strange that the book of Acts is where I've noticed things start to get confusing. I couldn't explain it at the moment, but I know God is working in my life in His normal way, and more then likely I wont understand any of this until He wants me too.. I'm good with that, He know's what He's doing even if I don't.

"I will always love you."

A little over a year ago I was a guest of the Salvation Army's Adult Rehabilitation Program, and I remember this very realistic dream I had one night after being there for a little over a month.

I don't remember how it started, but I remember how it ended.

I was sitting in a meeting around a few friends when my ex girlfriends mother walked by us, gave me a very disappointed glare while she shook her head and walked out of the room. The guys sitting around me got quite and one at a time started to get up and walk away.

After the last guy left the room, he closed the door behind him and as soon as the catch latched, the lights went out and I was sitting alone in the dark. In less then a second a figure came out of the shadows and began to beat the crap out of me. I couldn't move, or defend myself at all, and was soon like a lifeless rag laying on the floor.

The shadowy figure then began to drag me around and smash my face threw mirrors, and slam my head into lockers. I remember almost being able to feel it.

Once as much damage as I thought could be done had taken place, the outlined figure then picked me up over his head and threw me into the window shattering the glass and leaving me near death in a pile of glass face up on the concrete outside, surrounded by broken glass and blood.

I remember being face up because I could see the moon clearly, and as the darkened outlined figure of a person came threw the window, I caught my first glimpse of the perpetrator but not from my body. I had a kind of 'outer body experience' in my dream where I could see both my body laying on the ground, and the person assaulting me. As the person approached me I noticed that it was me.

As soon as I recognized myself, I was back in my body, looking up at the moon. I could see the moon clearly, and as I focused on it and tried to ignore this other version of me approaching, I herd or more like felt a voice say to me "I will always love you."

As soon as the phrase was transmitted, I felt my head being slammed onto the concrete and woke up.   

Not up, not down

Today wasn't anything I want to put in the "days to remember" book, but it wasn't really bad either; it was just another day.
I hate that I'm normally the guy that points out the fact that there are no ordinary moments, and each day is as unique as the next, but for some reason I haven't been able to get into the mentality, and I feel myself slipping more and more into the negative as the days pass.

I guess what sucks the most about it is the fact that while I know the days aren't ordinary, the events seem to feel like it. My days don't feel like gifts anymore, they feel more like stages of a process.

I wish I had something positive to post, or something that inspires thought... but at the moment I'm kinda drained, and it feels more and more like that as the days pass... I feel it, but it doesn't feel like there's really anything I can do about it. Nothing changes if nothing changes, but if you change and nothing changes... why bother?

A Glimpse

So I've got a few things going on currently, and some of them are good as well as some of them being bad... I would guess; That's only my judgment of the situations, so I could be wrong.

Other peoples lives are other peoples lives, and I like the idea of the word "glimpse" being in the title of this post because honestly the only thing I have of the other peoples lives that I'm worried about is "a glimpse."
I'd love to spend hours talking about the lives of other people that have done or said things that effect my life, but the reality of it is that I really have no idea what their lives are like - All I have are the results of a few of their actions on the emotional structure of my life. What's sad about that is the fact that it's basically me admitting that I'm letting other people effect my "solitude" and it's making it uncomfortable, but again; I'm the one allowing it.

My four focuses at the moment are a mixture of work, church, college, and recovery. Out of those 4 focuses stem a few different "situations" and I use that word because I can't think of a better one to use at the moment.
The one focus that supersedes all of them is God, and because I don't have a definition to go with God, it kind of makes things a little difficult at times. By that I mean that I rely on God; I trust and believe that He knows what He's doing, and my faith is in Him, but I don't know what He's doing all the time which isn't a bad thing. I think that if I knew what God was doing, I'd mess it up and more then likely not benefit from the blessings that He has in mind.
I may not like how the blessings manifest, but as long as I keep my faith in Him, all will be well.

There are a few difficulties that I've got'a experience today, and by that I just mean a  few events that I don't really want to deal with, but I know that facing them are going to be in direct relation to what may be the greater good for my life. Humility never really feels that good, but being humble before God is the only thing that feels right.

The first of the twelve

Be Trustworthy.

I wasn't able to stay very focused on that word today, but it was a mix between that and God, but ever around the end of the night at work, God even started to fade. (My focus on Him, not Him.)

It's now the end of the night, and I'm able to focus a little more on what's important and not just girls, and work stuff.

Work is work, it's just kinda something I do to make a pay check, and I really like it there but honestly, it's just a job. I couldn't put any more focus into it then I already do. I wish I were a better employee, but I kinda wonder why I want that... I can't help but think that my wanting to be a better employee has to do with wanting the attenuation of a few of the girls that work there, and not just for the sake of being a "good employee." Then the thought process of doing it, and being great at it for the glory of God comes into play, and I always seem to louse sight of that after about 20 mins of work, and after 20 mins after my break.

A side from that, being trustworthy is important for a lot of reasons. Before I put that much into what I have to say about "being trustworthy" I'm gonna give a definition for it.

Trustworthy:

1.) Able to be relied on as honest or truthful - leave a spare key with a trustworthy neighbor
2.) taking responsibility for one's conduct and obligations; "trustworthy public servants"
3.) worthy of trust or belief; "a trustworthy report"; "an experienced and trustworthy traveling companion"

It's kinda funny how I would like to have this kind of characteristic, yet I've stated time and time again "You can't have faith in anybody but God, because people fail."

Honestly that's true, but I don't think that's the kind of "trustworthy" I'm thinking about here. When I use that statement to describe how awesome God is, it goes without saying that you can't really hope for anybody to be as trustworthy as God, but I guess you can trust people to an extent - and as far as I hope, or could ever hope to go with having a characteristic of "being trustworthy" I guess I just kinda mean "doing what I say I'm gonna do, and being responsible for my responsibilities."

That's just what I got for it tonight, and I hope to made learn a little bit more about it, and have something else to say about it later.

As for tonight, I'm done! I've been up for over 17 hours... that's kind of a record for me.

12 points of spiritual reformation

This is gonna kind of be a personal thing, it's not that I think anybody else should follow the these suggestions or give any merit to the idea's listed, but I think for myself if I am gifted with the ability to follow them or shine light on what I'm talking about, they'll be helpful to me.

The twelve points are not new, they are older then me but talked about on a daily basis, and are as follows;

Being;
1.  ) Trustworthy
2.  ) Loyal
3.  ) Helpful
4.  ) Friendly
5.  ) Courteous
6.  ) Kind
7.  ) Obedient
8.  ) Cheerful
9.  ) Thrifty
10.) Brave
11.) Clean
12.) Reverent


I'm not saying that by any means I currently follow any of the suggested principles, but my hope is to after studying these twelve... things... to better understand what these twelve characteristics are like in practicable applications; and to hopefully obtain some kind of spiritual awareness...

My thought is that I can not consider myself to have truly achieved any kind of growth until the show of these characteristics in my daily life are apparent.

If they aren't, then I can't help but accept the fact that I'm still selfish, self serving, and self centered.  

A day later then yesterday

So I'm getting back into my bible which is cool I think.  I told myself that I'd like to have the whole bible read in a year, and I fell back on doing that for a few months, but currently I'm picking it back up and getting it read a little bit everyday.
Not to say that I'm back on track at all, because I know as well as anybody else that I could fall away from it again, but God willing, I'll have it read from cover to cover soon. Right now I'm in Leviticus.... Not an exciting read, but good to be reading it.

Life is just being life. Ups, downs, and everything in between. Friends are getting into relationships, friends are staying in relationships, and friends relationships are falling apart. I'm not in contact with everybody that I was once in contact with, and I'm in contact with people that I wasn't in contact with before. Meetings come, meetings go, church and bible studies come, and go... and all the while I'm left with questions; some that where never answered, new ones that I'd like to seek answers for....

God, work, money, church, meetings, fellowships, relationships, duties, services... These are the things that make up my life, and I'm thankful to God for all of them, yet I don't understand most of them.. It's sad that my writings are so confusing, but I don't think they ever really were that understandable...
I said once, and I think it still holds true; "It doesn't matter if anybody else knows what your talking about... as long as you know what your talking about, that's all that matters." What's more then that is now I don't think it really matters what anybodies else thinks of you (me) as long as God is happy with you (me) then that's all that matters...

Sleep, church, work... maybe a meeting in between... That's what I've got in mind for tomorrow.

That feeling

I feel like I need to write something. So much has happened over the past few days, and I haven't written anything about it.

One thing that I'd like to do is read over the first few chapters in the big book, but I haven't been able to get myself to just sit down and do it. I've been kind of running around interacting with people, but I'm not sure if anything that I'm doing is really being helpful, or if I'm just interacting with people with out any real contribution.
I hate the idea of having any amount of anything without giving anything in return. Clean time, sober time, time without this, time without that.
Two things I'd like my focus to return to. Bible reading, and meetings.

I don't have the mentality to relate anything that's happened over the past few days, but I hope to have something to say in a few days... Something about something will be nice, but I'll try to turn my focus to producing something soon worth reading... no idea what, but I'll leave that in God's hands.

Prayer Life

   So I know that my prayer life is laking at best. Currently, my prayers consist of me just getting so fed up with what ever's going on that I break down and start trying to explain to God why I'm upset, and how I think I need help.
   It occurred to me earlier this morning that I don't really know how to pray, but I do have a lot of conversations with God. Something that was pointed out to me is my ability to talk, my Grandmother calls it "the gift of gab" which she said is nice because some people are afraid to talk, or just don't want to; I'm not one of them.


So, while sitting alone in my garage I just blurted out "well then how should I pray?" in almost an agitated way, and without even a moment passing I was reminded that somebody asked God's son how to pray once, and an answer was given: 


^{Matthew 6:1-14
5} “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. ⁶ But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ⁷ And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ⁸ Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

   

⁹ “This, then, is how you should pray:

   “‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
¹⁰ your kingdom come,
your will be done,
   on earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹ Give us today our daily bread.
¹² And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors.
¹³ And lead us not into temptation,^[a]
   but deliver us from the evil one.^[b]’

   

¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Luke 11:1-12

¹ One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.”

² He said to them, “When you pray, say:

   “‘Father,^[a]
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come.^[b]
3 Give us each day our daily bread.
⁴ Forgive us our sins,
   for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.^[c]
And lead us not into temptation.^[d]’”

 ⁵ Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; ⁶ a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ ⁷ And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ ⁸ I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity^[e] he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.

   ⁹ “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

   ¹¹ “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for^[f] a fish, will give him a snake instead? ¹² Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

These two passages are extremely important because they are instruction on the ideal prayer life.

So much has already been written on these two passages, so I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining something that's already been explained over and over again by countless people.

One opinion I am going to express tho is the fact that I don't understand why when other people try to "explain" this passage, they pick and grab all kinds of stuff from all over the bible to either back up what Jesus is saying, or inject their own perspective of how this teaching is given. Didn't Jesus explain it well enough? 

Bloody Sunday!

One thing that's worth noting is the fact that one of my pastors commented on my absents at church today, which isn't that surprising because it's the second Sunday in a row that I missed, and I've also failed to appear at the past 2 community groups...

Work and family events are my excuses, and they are kinda feeble in comparison to God...
While it's obvious that nothing in existence is comparable to God, I hate when people use church attendance as a representational attribute to anyones devotion to God. If I were to be moved by the Holy Sprint to walk across America in a banana costume, and thought for even a second that some how that action would bring glory and honor to God or His son, I'd do it in a heart beat, but if I don't want to go to church for a few weeks, I don't see how that can be used as a defining characteristic of my devotion to God...

Anyway - peoples perceptions of God's relationship with me is the least of my problems, and I don't say that to belittle any aspect of the situation. What ever God would have me do I'll do, but it's hard for me to accept that anything God would want for me would spring out of "people pleasing" motives.
The comment "I don't think your pleasing God" from somebody else is less of a concern for me then if my own thought were "I don't think I'm pleasing to God."

That's been bugging me a bit today, but aside from that the day was nice. The weather was kinda shifty, but the sun came up and I had air in my lungs, so I stayed thankful.
Work went well. Got my credits in.
Got to interact with Cambria which was nice because she's really interesting to be around. I kinda wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with her outside of work, but that's neither hear nor there.
Talked to Steven after he got back from San Fransisco, he's doing well.
Texted with Kristin a little bit, she's neat, but I think my motives with her are scud, so I should put a little more thought into that.
Brian is still an awesome roommate...
I didn't get a chance to talk to Rick, but I'm not gonna finish writing this until after 1am, so I'll have to get a hold of him tomorrow.

All in all, life's great at the moment.

Conclusion to the delema

So I've been beating my head against a wall trying to get a handle on this whole "relationship" thing, and I've talked to a few people that had round about ideas as well as read a few books on different perspectives of "dating life" and the sum of all I've found for myself is this.

1.) I'm paying for it. No matter how I look at, wither it be for the long run, or just for the night. I'm paying for it.
2.) I'm never going to create the "perfect" relationship. It just has to happen. No matter how hard I try, that's just not how it's meant to happen, so that's not how it's going to happen. Just let go of the steering wheel, and if it happens great, if not, oh well.

I'd give a little more information on how I came up with those ideas, but that would just be me throwing my perspective into the ring and it wouldn't change a thing.

So for the most part I'm really interested in all kinds of things. Not to say that I'm looking into different believe systems, but it's really thought provoking to try and understand other peoples perspectives of life. Comparing those perspectives to my own, and seeking the similarities as apposed to the differences is really stimulating to say the lest.
I had a friend give me a very valuable piece of advice recently. It was simply to; "keep what works, and leave the rest."

I can really see how that concept would be rejected by religious leaders because it voids their authority. Personally I don't understand how that could be a bad thing because the only true authority in my mind is that of Gods, so the less authority I give a person over my sprite the better I can serve God, and not the agendas of another person that's just as blind as me...
That in itself is a personal qualm I have with organized religion, and I'm sure that feeling will be made clear someday in God's time, but as of yet...

Anyway, the reason for this entry; I found another blog entry that seemed intresting and I'm gonna give the idea presented in it a shot and see what happens.
The idea is as follows:

1.)Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).


2.)Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”


3.)Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.


4.)Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry.
This is your purpose.

The blog posting can be found here: How To Discover Your Life Purpose

The idea seems simple, and maybe even unreal to an extent, but I'm gonna give it a shot but I'm gonna alter the steps a little bit to include "Pray for God to open my heart, and make clear my path."

A little personal information as to way I'm gonna do this; I believe that God has a purpose for my life, the only problem is that I have no idea what it is. As a result I constantly find myself jetting off into all kinds of different directions, and for the most part engaging in activities that I really shouldn't be involved in.
The scary thing about that is I've stopped worrying about what other people think about me, so the only judgement I have any fear of is that of Gods.
Not the kind of judgement that other people try to convict me of feeling, but the honest - true judgement of God.

That statement in itself could make up its own blog, so I'm not going to get into it, but I am going to give this "purpose" idea a shot.
Sadly I'm not going to do it as soon as I publish this post because I'm almost afraid that it's gonna work, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to know...
But anyway, I'll post the results.

Your Judge

So I got into a conversation with a friend last night, and he asked a question that I didn't have an answer for. His question was "When did you develop your religious views? When did you "become Christian?"
I didn't really have a come back answer for him, at least not to say that I already had something thought out, because the fact of the matter is that I'm not really sure what it means to be Christian.

I follow Jesus Christ because I believe in my heart, and I've just known from childhood that he is the King, the Lord, and at the very least, the greatest thing to ever happen... Ever...

The problem I guess with that is I've just always known. The only connection I can really give that anybody would ever understand is closely related to a statement that Adolf Hitler made in his book Mein Kampf; "If you tell somebody something long enough, they will believe it."

How that plays out is kind of crazy. At time's I'm thankful to have been told from a very young age that Jesus Christ is Lord, yet other times I'm discontented because I feel like I don't have any other choice then to believe it because I wasn't raised with any other belief system, or an opportunity to even consider the possibility that any other existence could be possible.
I started that statement correctly because more often then not, I am thankful to know that Jesus Christ is The King in ways that most people can't really comprehend.
At times, when I'm able to comprehend this existence in it's totalliay, and not just from the perspective I have, everything - EVERYTHING Jesus said makes complete sense and when I can even remotely comprehend just a few of his statements, it just brings me to my knees and I become so amazed at his wisdom, and shocked that he walked so long ago and yet knew what he did that I'm just thankful to have in my heart the knowledge that on my last day of life, and first day of eternity, he will be my judge and nobody else.

That's based off my new understanding of the fact that Jesus Christ is Lord, and only God can judge me, so why would I care about anybody else's judgement?

Fight Club

Fight Club was a movie that came out back in 1995.
It was a movie about a guy that got involved in support groups because he was lonely I guess for a lake of better descriptive words.

For the most part, and this is just what I get when I watch the movie, but you kinda get this idea that the main character (who's name is never given) spent the first part of his life just doing what his father who divorced his mother when he was young, suggested that he do.

Finnish high school, go to college, get a job, get married.

The last suggestion from his father he didn't follow, and he makes the comment; "We're a generation of men, raised by women. I don't think another woman is what we need" to kind of justify not following that suggestion.

The beginning of the movie kind of paints the general idea of what his life is like. He lives in a condo by himself, and his hobbies are collecting and believing in "Versatile Solutions for Modern Living." A home exercise bike, dish sets, silverware, entertainment center, rugs, sofa, towels...
Crap we're told we should be interested in, because that's what real people are interested in..

The rest of the movie is about an imaginary friend he starts hanging out with, who changes his life and also partakes in a "mission" to change the world, regardless if the world wants it or not.

I think the biggest attraction I had for the movie came from the fact that I didn't want to become who the main character was at the beginning of the movie. I didn't want to be the guy that sat a lone in his condo all the time, and just wished that his life was different. I didn't want to be the guy that sat a lone on his couch watching TV and was convinced that something fun was going on some where. Something worth wild, and something worth living for was happening, and it was happening some where else.

With everything I've done to resist that, all the energy and focus I put into not becoming that guy, that's exactly who I've become. Only it's not a condo, it's a room that I'm renting from a friend that I met in a support group over a year ago. And I don't sit in front of a TV wishing my life was better, I sit in front of a computer wishing I could do something, or find some kind of answer as to why I hate my life, or prove to be useful in some why... Just some kind of meaning... something..

In the movie, the main character ran into some kind of imaginary friend... but that's just a movie.

Better days

So I've had an interesting last few days, but the really cool part is the fact that I've noticed that it took everything that happened in the weeks preceding the past few days to make up the past few days, and it took 27 years of living in order to experience those last few weeks.

Everything happens for a reason, and everything happens in God's time.

I can't really explain most of the stuff I've learned with out putting more thought into it, and at the moment I'm a bit busy getting some of the things done that I've learned that I should do in order to keep on keeping on! :)

I wanted to post this picture, and say these words before I headed out the door, but hopefully soon I'll have all the information I need (and be in the right mindset) to post a video later today.

Random Event

I woke up the two days ago and after weeks of nice warm weather, I looked outside to see that the ground was covered in snow again.
Because I live in Reno Nevada, it wasn't really shocking as much as it was kind of depressing.

I thought the largest effect it was gonna have on my life was the fact that I'd have to wait for the bus in the snow, which just means cold feet, but to my surprise I also got to experience something I've been wondering for the past few years. "What would it be like to get hit by a car on the bus?"

It wasn't really as life altering as I imagined it would be. The road was icy and the lady was following too closely, so when the bus stopped to drop somebody off, she ran into the back of us.
No body got hurt, everybody walked away good, the only damage was too the two vehicles thank God.

Just an interesting thing that happened outside of my expectations.

Where are you?

I got that question from the bible. After Adam eats the apple, he runs off into the woods with Eve and tries to hide from God, so when God shows up he asks "Where are you?"

I kinda get that feeling about myself sometimes. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I know that I don't like it.

I just get this feeling that I'm lost, that I'd do God's will if I knew what it was, but I'm so caught up in one thing or the other that I'm not sure if I'm seeking Gods will, or if I'm just doing what it seems like I should be doing and maybe that's Gods will?

Basically I know that all I can really do is keep praying, and trust that God knows what He's doing.

For this moment, I'm going to overcome this feeling of "I should be doing something" and replace it with the prayer "God, what would you have me do?"

My Day In Court

I went to court on February 2ed 2011 to help support a friend, and it was truly an experience to be had.

The day started when my alarm went off at 6am. I don't remember liking that to much because I don't normally even start moving around until 8:30 and the fact that I was getting woken up at 6 was lame to me.

I started making excuses as to why I shouldn't get out of bed.

Thoughts at the time:

It's cold.

More then likely my friends case is going to be set back again for the third time so I would be wasting my time.

I would be wasting the money for the bus, and it's cold.

I'm going to have to stand outside in the cold and wait for a bus, then I have to ride the bus downtown, walk from the station to the court house, and it's cold.

I let those thoughts keep me in bed for another half hour, then the voice of reason started talking to me:

It's cold - Put on a warm jacket.

Her case is just going to be set back again, I'll be wasting my time. - You don't know that.

I'd be wasting my money on the bus, and it's cold. - God gave you that money, so it's not you'res. You don't know what's going to happen, and put on a warm jacket.

I'm going to have to stand outside in the cold and wait for the bus, then I have to ride the bus downtown, walk from the station to the court house, and it's cold. - You wouldn't have to walk if you didn't get a DUI and drove around Ely, knowing that you didn't have a drivers licence. Put on a warm jacket, and take you're MP3 player to distract you from the walk... GET OUT OF BED!

(My voice of reason gets tired of my excuses.)

So I got on the bus, and remembered to thank God for the bus because without it I would have had to walk downtown, and it was cold.

I got to the court house and sat outside the court room waiting for my friend to get there. I started going over the reasons in my head as to why I was even there.

(I'm not going to list them all, because my head gets kinda carried away, but the major one was: My mom always showed up to my court dates, and nobody else has showed up to this girls court dates. That's kinda lame... I think I would'a felt like shit if my mom didn't show up to my court date. This girl did come visit me in the hospital so I guess the least I could do is come to her court date.)

Anyway, so court starts. 3 major cases stood out in my mind. There were like 15 all in all, but only 3 of them stood out to me.

The first was this lady that was there because she got pulled over or something, and she had her child in the back seat, and a pot leaf taped to the back of her cell phone.

(I didn't see how her having a pot leaf taped to the back of her phone as that big of a deal, but then I found out later that this wasn't the first time this had happened, and apparently she had some other stuff going on and her ability to be a good parent was being questioned.)

All and all, my take on the situation was; If you're facing the prospect of lousing your kid because you're so preoccupied with Marry J, then maybe you need to try to learn how to live without weed, or give up your kid... You don't get both...

The situation left her facing 6 to 9 weeks in jail, with like $5000 in fines, or enrollment into the mental health court system, where she would be monitored by counselors and such for (some number greater then 5) months.

The judge went with the mental health court idea, and the lady got really upset and started crying. (I was confused because I saw that as better then 6 to 9 weeks in jail, but I guess everybody's different.) (I did 4 weeks in jail, and 9 months in rehabs for a similar situation..)

Then my friends case came up, and honestly I didn't think I cared that much, but it was really an emotional roller coaster for me. I'm working on a blog about that hearing all to its self because it really struck some cords in me, and I've got a lot to say about it, but all in all, it turned out really well, and I'm happy I got out of bed that morning.

So when the last case came up, I was kind of on an emotional high because my friends case went so well, but the last case kinda confused me in a lot of ways.

I'm not sure what all was going on, and the guy was talking so much and so fast that the only thing I really caught out of the whole hearing was the fact that he tried to get an attorney, but she wouldn't defend him because he didn't have any money to pay her.

What he got arrested for was bogus, and the whole thing was just a huge misunderstanding.... I think, and he wanted to get O.Red but couldn't because he had a habitual criminal history, or because the court didn't have all the information needed to make the determination as to wither or not O.R. was a good idea.

I had mixed emotions about the whole thing, personally I would have just let him go... but that's because when I die and have to face God, I'd like Him to just let me go regardless of my past... I'm happy to know that when it comes about I'm good to go in the attorney department because that price has been paid, (which is amazing because I would have never been able to come up with that amount of money) and I trust that Jesus knows what He's doing in His Fathers court.

All in all it was really an experience worth having, and I still want to be a lawyer, but now I know that I have no desire to be a judge...

Solitude

This is the tattoo I got when I was 22 years old. It's the kanji symbol for "Kodoku" or "Solitude."

There's a lot of information that needs to be covered to explain what I'm about to talk about, but I'm just gonna hit the high lights and leave it at that for the time being.

There's a huge difference between "solitude" and "isolation." The reality of the situation is that we are never really isolated because everything is connected in one way or another. This has be proven in science recently (last 100 years) and on the spiritual plane (over 4,000 years.)

I got the tattoo because a girl broke up with me after we had dated for 3 years, and had been engaged for a number of months. Long story shot she broke up with me because I was an alcoholic addict that wouldn't stop drinking / using.

She put up with as much shit as she could until she realized that I wasn't getting better, and her quality of life was suffering, so it was better for her to drop me and find another guy.

Because we only have about 30,000 days to live, I am thankful that she spent around 1100 of those with me, but in retrospect those days might have been wasted for her. I know that I can't give those days back to her, and I wish I could but that's outside of my abilities. The best that I can do is pray that God takes care of her and makes up for my short comings.

That's kinda of a personal thing, but back to the main topic, the tattoo.

When I got it, I figured that I was never going to get into another relationship because that one hurt, and I never wanted to feel like that again. What ended up happening is that I got into a few more relationships after that one, and they hurt a lot more...

I got the tattoo at 22, and at 27 I'm starting to realize the importance of solitude. It isn't a matter of being alone, it's a matter of being okay with myself.

When we seek isolation it is because we don't want to be around people. We don't want people to know what we're doing, what we're thinking, or how we're feeling. We want to be disconnected.

When we seek solitude it's because we want to be with ourselves. We like ourselves now, and what's even better is the fact that we get to have those really good conversations with God.

The only thing that made me realize the difference between isolation and solitude is the fact that I accepted the idea that everything is connected. I'm just as connected to the sun as I am a tree that I'm standing right next to. I'm just as connected to some random person in China as I am with the person I'm shaking hands with at any given moment.

So, while I'm sitting in my room with nobody talking to me... I'm still just as connected to everybody on earth as I am with God. It isn't until I start trying to disconnect (isolate) (which is impossible) that I start suffering again. (Some people call it cutting ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit.)

The importance of solitude: Being connected to everything is great, but if we don't take time to sit back and look at ourselves, if we don't take time to undergo some kinda of personal inventory, how do we know what kinda of influence we're having on the world around us?

In our daily lives, are we a negative or positive.... thing..? (person, spirit, life form, being) that's connected to the universe? Do we give our energy, or do we go around sucking up as much energy as we can?

It's only in solitude that we're really going to be able to get the answer to this question from God (Higher Power.)

This is just one of those things that rattles around in my head. If you think I'm wrong, talk to somebody about it, if you have an open mind and understand what I'm talking about at all... cool cool. :)

Any Given Wednesday

I'm not really sure what I'm doing today. I know what I don't wanna do, and that's walk downtown again.

I don't mind walking downtown for a meeting, if I have something plained, or if somebody needs help, but The "walking downtown because I'm board" phase has passed. It's a long walk, and it was neat at first but now it just leaves me tired and cranky.

I've got a whole list of things that I should get done, but my list of things that I need to get done are more important, and the fact that I have things at the house that I would like to take care of basically means that I don't really have time to be board anymore.

The only thing I'd change about my life at the moment? Interaction with other people I think. I spend a lot of time doing my own thing, which at the moment is cool because I've got things I've got'a get done, but it's really easy for me to get lonely at the moment.

Oh well, such is life, and all in all it's a great life at the moment.

The Love Of Money

So I know I was kinda filling in a few of the things that have happened in my life between my last post back in 2010 and now, but something accrued to me in the shower that's kinda worth saying something about I think. (I guess something worth noting is that I do a lot of my praying in the shower.)

So after picking up a lot of information in the Christian based rehab programs that I joined, and with the things that I'm learning while I'm just going to meetings and actually hearing what people have to say, I'm picking up this general vibe that being of service to our fellow man is kinda the key to happiness.

I really had this huge understanding of that concept while talking to my sponsor the other night. We got on the topic of Jesus washing His disciples feet and the thought had been going around in my head for a few days, and the closest thing I could come to as an understanding of what was going on there is that God has always taken care of us.

(Now is a good time to address the fact that this is only what I believe, I could be wrong, and this information is only gonna be palatable for believers, and not even all believers are gonna agree.)

God created the universe, the heaves and the earth... And who did He put in charge of the earth? Who did He kinda "gift" with the honor of taking care of earth? Who gets the most enjoyment out of the beauty of the night sky?
The thought was "God is God, He needs for nothing.. So then why all this? Why the heavens and the earth? Why not just sit around and be happy to be God?"

The only answer I could come up with is that He likes to give us things, even tho He is the ruler of everything, needs for nothing, and knows everything there could ever been known, He still services us because that's the best way.

To truly be of service is what gives meaning and purpose to life. Being God, having authority over the heavens and the earth, having the ability to do whatever you want, and washing your servants feet... and what's more meaningful about that situation, your servants letting you wash their feet.

The reason I named this post "The Love Of Money", and the problem I realized in the shower is that most people don't really want you to help them, they want you to give them money. They'll solve all their problems on their own, they just need money. (Or so they think.)

With the kinda life I've lived, the things I've done, the highs and lows of all of it, one things I know for sure... money doesn't solve anything.

The statement "but you NEED money" gets to me so bad, because I can't think of a single time in my history where money has done anything positive for me aside from given me the ability to pay bills that only existed because of the existence of money. When I hear somebody say "but you need money" it takes so much for me to hold back the reply "NO! You NEED God!! That's IT! There's nothing in this world that money could do for you, that God couldn't do ten times better!"

Then the "beliefs" conversation starts, faith is thrown out the window, and it becomes Money VS God... and I've got'a keep my mouth shut or I because the stupid kid that doesn't know what he's talking about...

Oh well such is life, and I feel a little better after writing this, but I have a feeling it's not gonna make a difference :t

A different life

I kinda looked over my last post and... wow... I mean wow...

I guess it's nice to look back and see what my life was like, and it's a little awkward to remember that part of my life and that I was at the time;

"This is as good as it gets, it may get a little better years from now, but as for now, this is as good as it gets."

I'm not saying there was anything wrong with that part of my life, I enjoyed it as much as I could I guess, but honestly compared to what my life is like today, that was no way to live. It's nobody's fault but my own, it's obvious what my Higher Power was at the time and no surprise that I went back to my old ways shortly after writing that post...

A few highlights to hit from there to here; I fell off long before I got caught falling off. I quit my job, got high while I was babysitting Alisha's child, went to jail, went to rehab, went back to jail, went to another rehab, fought with every fiber of my being that one day I might get Alisha back and tried to accept the reality that that was never going to happen.

9 months of self inflicted torture.

December rolled around, and despite all the love and support I got from my family and friends, regardless of the pride I could have taken from the fact that I made it past the death of my grandfather without using, and even with all the help around me that I could have used to get me past the situation... I wasn't getting a card from her, so what the fuck did any of it matter?

I went around town huffing paint thinner, in and out of blackouts, hating the world... With two thoughts in my head;
1. I really hope Jesus love's me like everybody has been ranting about, because nobody can.
2. I hope I don't jump off a bridge in a black out.

Sometime later in December, I woke up out of a comma in a hospital. I had no idea what was going on or why my arm was broken in 3 different places or why I had staples in my head.
Half in half out, I talked to my mom on the phone and she told me that I had jumped off a bridge.. My first thought was "figures, had a feeling that was gonna happen."

Even that wasn't what it took for me to realize that the happiness I got from huffing paint thinner maybe two or three times in my life wasn't worth the pain that doing it always seemed to cause. (Me, and everybody that's involved in my life.)

It went on pointlessly for days, thinking that the first thought I had while I was walking around town didn't matter.

Then it just hit me, I wanted to stop more then I wanted to go steal more to get high again. The urge to stop only lasted a moment, but that was all the time I needed to start thinking about a few other things to combat the thought that I'd never be able to stop huffing paint thinner.

The thoughts started slipping in, and I just ran with them.
1. I shouldn't be alive, how the hell did I live after a 15 foot drop onto my skull?
2. How the hell did I live after all the crazy shit I've done?
3. Why the hell am I not brain dead? I've been huffing paint thinner on and off for 16 years, why am I not brain dead yet?
4. God has to be real, the stories I've herd for years have to be real because there's no other explanation. Somebody with superhuman powers has to be looking after me, because I've been trying to kill myself for years, and I mean really trying not just cries for help... yet I'm still alive...

I decided that I'd quite, I'd just stop. I'd lay in bed for a while until I got to feeling better, then once I got healthy again I'd get up and start looking for work.
For 24 hours I laid in bed unable to sleep, and I had the craziest thoughts I'd ever had in my life. (One thought that I kept having over and over again was that somebody was gonna come in the room and stab me for no reason, or beat me to death with a baseball bat while I was asleep.)

I couldn't take it anymore. After laying in bed for over 24 hours, somebody knocked on my door and I thought "This is it, clean 24 hours and somebody's going to kill me, I knew this was going to happen."

I had no idea what was gonna happen, or what was even going on, but the guy that knocked on my door said "Hey, come check this out, I bet you've never seen anything like this before!"
Sicker then anything I'd ever been in my life, I followed the guy into the backyard convinced that he was going to kill me, and berry my body back there.
I followed him with a pale look on my face, and some really twisted thoughts.

As we walked out the back door, he said "check that moon out" and looked up. I looked, and the moon was blood red. (12/21/2010)

The only thought I had after that was "Oh shit, He's real..."

I walked around for the rest of the night with the guy, waiting for God to strike me down for all that crap I've done in my life... but He never did.

After we walked down to the store to get the guy I was living with some more beer, I did everything I could to keep my thoughts from coming out of my mouth...

After we got home, I said that I was going to bed, walked in my room, dropped to my knees, and begged God to help me. I admitted his existence and that I knew I could never turn from Him again. I asked what I had to do, and the answer I got was a lot simpler then I thought it would be... It was as simple as "Go to a meeting."

I didn't like the idea, but that one meeting started a chain reaction that hasn't stopped.

HAHA my hands are tired, and I need to get to another meeting, but I'll write more later, I just wanted to get that much out for now.