Saturday, June 25, 2011

"I will always love you."

A little over a year ago I was a guest of the Salvation Army's Adult Rehabilitation Program, and I remember this very realistic dream I had one night after being there for a little over a month.

I don't remember how it started, but I remember how it ended.
I was sitting in a meeting around a few friends when my ex girlfriends mother walked by us, gave me a very disappointed glare while she shook her head and walked out of the room. The guys sitting around me got quite and one at a time started to get up and walk away.
After the last guy left the room, he closed the door behind him and as soon as the catch latched, the lights went out and I was sitting alone in the dark. In less then a second a figure came out of the shadows and began to beat the crap out of me. I couldn't move, or defend myself at all, and was soon like a lifeless rag laying on the floor.
The shadowy figure then began to drag me around and smash my face threw mirrors, and slam my head into lockers. I remember almost being able to feel it.
Once as much damage as I thought could be done had taken place, the outlined figure then picked me up over his head and threw me into the window shattering the glass and leaving me near death in a pile of glass face up on the concrete outside, surrounded by broken glass and blood.
I remember being face up because I could see the moon clearly, and as the darkened outlined figure of a person came threw the window, I caught my first glimpse of the perpetrator but not from my body. I had a kind of 'outer body experience' in my dream where I could see both my body laying on the ground, and the person assaulting me. As the person approached me I noticed that it was me.
As soon as I recognized myself, I was back in my body, looking up at the moon. I could see the moon clearly, and as I focused on it and tried to ignore this other version of me approaching, I herd or more like felt a voice say to me "I will always love you."
As soon as the phrase was transmitted, I felt my head being slammed onto the concrete and woke up.   

Not up, not down

Today wasn't anything I want to put in the "days to remember" book, but it wasn't really bad either; it was just another day.
I hate that I'm normally the guy that points out the fact that there are no ordinary moments, and each day is as unique as the next, but for some reason I haven't been able to get into the mentality, and I feel myself slipping more and more into the negative as the days pass.

I guess what sucks the most about it is the fact that while I know the days aren't ordinary, the events seem to feel like it. My days don't feel like gifts anymore, they feel more like stages of a process.

I wish I had something positive to post, or something that inspires thought... but at the moment I'm kinda drained, and it feels more and more like that as the days pass... I feel it, but it doesn't feel like there's really anything I can do about it. Nothing changes if nothing changes, but if you change and nothing changes... why bother?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Glimpse

So I've got a few things going on currently, and some of them are good as well as some of them being bad... I would guess; That's only my judgment of the situations, so I could be wrong.

Other peoples lives are other peoples lives, and I like the idea of the word "glimpse" being in the title of this post because honestly the only thing I have of the other peoples lives that I'm worried about is "a glimpse."
I'd love to spend hours talking about the lives of other people that have done or said things that effect my life, but the reality of it is that I really have no idea what their lives are like - All I have are the results of a few of their actions on the emotional structure of my life. What's sad about that is the fact that it's basically me admitting that I'm letting other people effect my "solitude" and it's making it uncomfortable, but again; I'm the one allowing it.

My four focuses at the moment are a mixture of work, church, college, and recovery. Out of those 4 focuses stem a few different "situations" and I use that word because I can't think of a better one to use at the moment.
The one focus that supersedes all of them is God, and because I don't have a definition to go with God, it kind of makes things a little difficult at times. By that I mean that I rely on God; I trust and believe that He knows what He's doing, and my faith is in Him, but I don't know what He's doing all the time which isn't a bad thing. I think that if I knew what God was doing, I'd mess it up and more then likely not benefit from the blessings that He has in mind.
I may not like how the blessings manifest, but as long as I keep my faith in Him, all will be well.

There are a few difficulties that I've got'a experience today, and by that I just mean a  few events that I don't really want to deal with, but I know that facing them are going to be in direct relation to what may be the greater good for my life. Humility never really feels that good, but being humble before God is the only thing that feels right.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The first of the twelve

Be Trustworthy.

I wasn't able to stay very focused on that word today, but it was a mix between that and God, but ever around the end of the night at work, God even started to fade. (My focus on Him, not Him.)
It's now the end of the night, and I'm able to focus a little more on what's important and not just girls, and work stuff.

Work is work, it's just kinda something I do to make a pay check, and I really like it there but honestly, it's just a job. I couldn't put any more focus into it then I already do. I wish I were a better employee, but I kinda wonder why I want that... I can't help but think that my wanting to be a better employee has to do with wanting the attenuation of a few of the girls that work there, and not just for the sake of being a "good employee." Then the thought process of doing it, and being great at it for the glory of God comes into play, and I always seem to louse sight of that after about 20 mins of work, and after 20 mins after my break.
A side from that, being trustworthy is important for a lot of reasons. Before I put that much into what I have to say about "being trustworthy" I'm gonna give a definition for it.

1.) Able to be relied on as honest or truthful - leave a spare key with a trustworthy neighbor
2.) taking responsibility for one's conduct and obligations; "trustworthy public servants"
3.) worthy of trust or belief; "a trustworthy report"; "an experienced and trustworthy traveling companion"

It's kinda funny how I would like to have this kind of characteristic, yet I've stated time and time again "You can't have faith in anybody but God, because people fail."
Honestly that's true, but I don't think that's the kind of "trustworthy" I'm thinking about here. When I use that statement to describe how awesome God is, it goes without saying that you can't really hope for anybody to be as trustworthy as God, but I guess you can trust people to an extent - and as far as I hope, or could ever hope to go with having a characteristic of "being trustworthy" I guess I just kinda mean "doing what I say I'm gonna do, and being responsible for my responsibilities."

That's just what I got for it tonight, and I hope to made learn a little bit more about it, and have something else to say about it later.
As for tonight, I'm done! I've been up for over 17 hours... that's kind of a record for me.

12 points of spiritual reformation

This is gonna kind of be a personal thing, it's not that I think anybody else should follow the these suggestions or give any merit to the idea's listed, but I think for myself if I am gifted with the ability to follow them or shine light on what I'm talking about, they'll be helpful to me.

The twelve points are not new, they are older then me but talked about on a daily basis, and are as follows;

1.  ) Trustworthy
2.  ) Loyal
3.  ) Helpful
4.  ) Friendly
5.  ) Courteous
6.  ) Kind
7.  ) Obedient
8.  ) Cheerful
9.  ) Thrifty
10.) Brave
11.) Clean
12.) Reverent

I'm not saying that by any means I currently follow any of the suggested principles, but my hope is to after studying these twelve... things... to better understand what these twelve characteristics are like in practicable applications; and to hopefully obtain some kind of spiritual awareness...

My thought is that I can not consider myself to have truly achieved any kind of growth until the show of these characteristics in my daily life are apparent.

If they aren't, then I can't help but accept the fact that I'm still selfish, self serving, and self centered.  

A day later then yesterday

So I'm getting back into my bible which is cool I think.  I told myself that I'd like to have the whole bible read in a year, and I fell back on doing that for a few months, but currently I'm picking it back up and getting it read a little bit everyday.
Not to say that I'm back on track at all, because I know as well as anybody else that I could fall away from it again, but God willing, I'll have it read from cover to cover soon. Right now I'm in Leviticus.... Not an exciting read, but good to be reading it.

Life is just being life. Ups, downs, and everything in between. Friends are getting into relationships, friends are staying in relationships, and friends relationships are falling apart. I'm not in contact with everybody that I was once in contact with, and I'm in contact with people that I wasn't in contact with before. Meetings come, meetings go, church and bible studies come, and go... and all the while I'm left with questions; some that where never answered, new ones that I'd like to seek answers for....

God, work, money, church, meetings, fellowships, relationships, duties, services... These are the things that make up my life, and I'm thankful to God for all of them, yet I don't understand most of them.. It's sad that my writings are so confusing, but I don't think they ever really were that understandable...
I said once, and I think it still holds true; "It doesn't matter if anybody else knows what your talking about... as long as you know what your talking about, that's all that matters." What's more then that is now I don't think it really matters what anybodies else thinks of you (me) as long as God is happy with you (me) then that's all that matters...

Sleep, church, work... maybe a meeting in between... That's what I've got in mind for tomorrow.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

That feeling

I feel like I need to write something. So much has happened over the past few days, and I haven't written anything about it.

One thing that I'd like to do is read over the first few chapters in the big book, but I haven't been able to get myself to just sit down and do it. I've been kind of running around interacting with people, but I'm not sure if anything that I'm doing is really being helpful, or if I'm just interacting with people with out any real contribution.
I hate the idea of having any amount of anything without giving anything in return. Clean time, sober time, time without this, time without that.
Two things I'd like my focus to return to. Bible reading, and meetings.

I don't have the mentality to relate anything that's happened over the past few days, but I hope to have something to say in a few days... Something about something will be nice, but I'll try to turn my focus to producing something soon worth reading... no idea what, but I'll leave that in God's hands.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Prayer Life

   So I know that my prayer life is laking at best. Currently, my prayers consist of me just getting so fed up with what ever's going on that I break down and start trying to explain to God why I'm upset, and how I think I need help.
   It occurred to me earlier this morning that I don't really know how to pray, but I do have a lot of conversations with God. Something that was pointed out to me is my ability to talk, my Grandmother calls it "the gift of gab" which she said is nice because some people are afraid to talk, or just don't want to; I'm not one of them.

So, while sitting alone in my garage I just blurted out "well then how should I pray?" in almost an agitated way, and without even a moment passing I was reminded that somebody asked God's son how to pray once, and an answer was given: 

Matthew 6:1-14
5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
   “‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
   on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
   but deliver us from the evil one.[b]
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Luke 11:1-12
1 One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.”

2 He said to them, “When you pray, say:
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come.[b]
3 Give us each day our daily bread.
4 Forgive us our sins,
   for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.[c]
And lead us not into temptation.[d]’”

 5 Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; 6 a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ 7 And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ 8 I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity[e] he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.
   9 “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
   11 “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[f] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

These two passages are extremely important because they are instruction on the ideal prayer life.

So much has already been written on these two passages, so I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining something that's already been explained over and over again by countless people.
One opinion I am going to express tho is the fact that I don't understand why when other people try to "explain" this passage, they pick and grab all kinds of stuff from all over the bible to either back up what Jesus is saying, or inject their own perspective of how this teaching is given. Didn't Jesus explain it well enough?