Monday, May 30, 2011

Bloody Sunday!

One thing that's worth noting is the fact that one of my pastors commented on my absents at church today, which isn't that surprising because it's the second Sunday in a row that I missed, and I've also failed to appear at the past 2 community groups...

Work and family events are my excuses, and they are kinda feeble in comparison to God...
While it's obvious that nothing in existence is comparable to God, I hate when people use church attendance as a representational attribute to anyones devotion to God. If I were to be moved by the Holy Sprint to walk across America in a banana costume, and thought for even a second that some how that action would bring glory and honor to God or His son, I'd do it in a heart beat, but if I don't want to go to church for a few weeks, I don't see how that can be used as a defining characteristic of my devotion to God...

Anyway - peoples perceptions of God's relationship with me is the least of my problems, and I don't say that to belittle any aspect of the situation. What ever God would have me do I'll do, but it's hard for me to accept that anything God would want for me would spring out of "people pleasing" motives.
The comment "I don't think your pleasing God" from somebody else is less of a concern for me then if my own thought were "I don't think I'm pleasing to God."

That's been bugging me a bit today, but aside from that the day was nice. The weather was kinda shifty, but the sun came up and I had air in my lungs, so I stayed thankful.
Work went well. Got my credits in.
Got to interact with Cambria which was nice because she's really interesting to be around. I kinda wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with her outside of work, but that's neither hear nor there.
Talked to Steven after he got back from San Fransisco, he's doing well.
Texted with Kristin a little bit, she's neat, but I think my motives with her are scud, so I should put a little more thought into that.
Brian is still an awesome roommate...
I didn't get a chance to talk to Rick, but I'm not gonna finish writing this until after 1am, so I'll have to get a hold of him tomorrow.

All in all, life's great at the moment.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Conclusion to the delema

So I've been beating my head against a wall trying to get a handle on this whole "relationship" thing, and I've talked to a few people that had round about ideas as well as read a few books on different perspectives of "dating life" and the sum of all I've found for myself is this.

1.) I'm paying for it. No matter how I look at, wither it be for the long run, or just for the night. I'm paying for it.
2.) I'm never going to create the "perfect" relationship. It just has to happen. No matter how hard I try, that's just not how it's meant to happen, so that's not how it's going to happen. Just let go of the steering wheel, and if it happens great, if not, oh well.

I'd give a little more information on how I came up with those ideas, but that would just be me throwing my perspective into the ring and it wouldn't change a thing.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

So for the most part I'm really interested in all kinds of things. Not to say that I'm looking into different believe systems, but it's really thought provoking to try and understand other peoples perspectives of life. Comparing those perspectives to my own, and seeking the similarities as apposed to the differences is really stimulating to say the lest.
I had a friend give me a very valuable piece of advice recently. It was simply to; "keep what works, and leave the rest."

I can really see how that concept would be rejected by religious leaders because it voids their authority. Personally I don't understand how that could be a bad thing because the only true authority in my mind is that of Gods, so the less authority I give a person over my sprite the better I can serve God, and not the agendas of another person that's just as blind as me...
That in itself is a personal qualm I have with organized religion, and I'm sure that feeling will be made clear someday in God's time, but as of yet...

Anyway, the reason for this entry; I found another blog entry that seemed intresting and I'm gonna give the idea presented in it a shot and see what happens.
The idea is as follows:

1.)Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).

2.)Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”

3.)Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.

4.)Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry.
This is your purpose.

The blog posting can be found here: How To Discover Your Life Purpose

The idea seems simple, and maybe even unreal to an extent, but I'm gonna give it a shot but I'm gonna alter the steps a little bit to include "Pray for God to open my heart, and make clear my path."

A little personal information as to way I'm gonna do this; I believe that God has a purpose for my life, the only problem is that I have no idea what it is. As a result I constantly find myself jetting off into all kinds of different directions, and for the most part engaging in activities that I really shouldn't be involved in.
The scary thing about that is I've stopped worrying about what other people think about me, so the only judgement I have any fear of is that of Gods.
Not the kind of judgement that other people try to convict me of feeling, but the honest - true judgement of God.

That statement in itself could make up its own blog, so I'm not going to get into it, but I am going to give this "purpose" idea a shot.
Sadly I'm not going to do it as soon as I publish this post because I'm almost afraid that it's gonna work, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to know...
But anyway, I'll post the results.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Your Judge

So I got into a conversation with a friend last night, and he asked a question that I didn't have an answer for. His question was "When did you develop your religious views? When did you "become Christian?"
I didn't really have a come back answer for him, at least not to say that I already had something thought out, because the fact of the matter is that I'm not really sure what it means to be Christian.

I follow Jesus Christ because I believe in my heart, and I've just known from childhood that he is the King, the Lord, and at the very least, the greatest thing to ever happen... Ever...

The problem I guess with that is I've just always known. The only connection I can really give that anybody would ever understand is closely related to a statement that Adolf Hitler made in his book Mein Kampf; "If you tell somebody something long enough, they will believe it."

How that plays out is kind of crazy. At time's I'm thankful to have been told from a very young age that Jesus Christ is Lord, yet other times I'm discontented because I feel like I don't have any other choice then to believe it because I wasn't raised with any other belief system, or an opportunity to even consider the possibility that any other existence could be possible.
I started that statement correctly because more often then not, I am thankful to know that Jesus Christ is The King in ways that most people can't really comprehend.
At times, when I'm able to comprehend this existence in it's totalliay, and not just from the perspective I have, everything - EVERYTHING Jesus said makes complete sense and when I can even remotely comprehend just a few of his statements, it just brings me to my knees and I become so amazed at his wisdom, and shocked that he walked so long ago and yet knew what he did that I'm just thankful to have in my heart the knowledge that on my last day of life, and first day of eternity, he will be my judge and nobody else.

That's based off my new understanding of the fact that Jesus Christ is Lord, and only God can judge me, so why would I care about anybody else's judgement?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Fight Club

Fight Club was a movie that came out back in 1995.
It was a movie about a guy that got involved in support groups because he was lonely I guess for a lake of better descriptive words.

For the most part, and this is just what I get when I watch the movie, but you kinda get this idea that the main character (who's name is never given) spent the first part of his life just doing what his father who divorced his mother when he was young, suggested that he do.

Finnish high school, go to college, get a job, get married.

The last suggestion from his father he didn't follow, and he makes the comment; "We're a generation of men, raised by women. I don't think another woman is what we need" to kind of justify not following that suggestion.

The beginning of the movie kind of paints the general idea of what his life is like. He lives in a condo by himself, and his hobbies are collecting and believing in "Versatile Solutions for Modern Living." A home exercise bike, dish sets, silverware, entertainment center, rugs, sofa, towels...
Crap we're told we should be interested in, because that's what real people are interested in..

The rest of the movie is about an imaginary friend he starts hanging out with, who changes his life and also partakes in a "mission" to change the world, regardless if the world wants it or not.

I think the biggest attraction I had for the movie came from the fact that I didn't want to become who the main character was at the beginning of the movie. I didn't want to be the guy that sat a lone in his condo all the time, and just wished that his life was different. I didn't want to be the guy that sat a lone on his couch watching TV and was convinced that something fun was going on some where. Something worth wild, and something worth living for was happening, and it was happening some where else.

With everything I've done to resist that, all the energy and focus I put into not becoming that guy, that's exactly who I've become. Only it's not a condo, it's a room that I'm renting from a friend that I met in a support group over a year ago. And I don't sit in front of a TV wishing my life was better, I sit in front of a computer wishing I could do something, or find some kind of answer as to why I hate my life, or prove to be useful in some why... Just some kind of meaning... something..

In the movie, the main character ran into some kind of imaginary friend... but that's just a movie.