Saturday, January 23, 2010

That which never was

I've been doing this thing in my head since last night and it's starting to worry me a little bit. I've been going over and over in my mind what I'd do if I won ten million dollars.

At one point in time I wanted to pay off all my bills and do nothing but bad with it. I wanted to go around and make everybody that ever hurt me or did anything that I thought was upsetting feel bad for ever crossing me.

It made me feel all high and mighty and I had this mentality in my head of "I'll show them." I don't like that because that just tells me that I'm still dwelling on the past as if it matters. I'd like to just be over it and stop letting the negative things that happen to me in the past stay in the past.

Then as the night went on I changed my mind to just wanting to help everybody around me as much as I can. I wanted to give large amounts of money to anybody I thought it would help, then I started to wonder who I would help because honestly when you have that kind of mentality ten million dollars isn't really that much money. Ten million dollars could solve a lot of my problems, but then once you had in the fact that you have ten million dollars, and everybody knows you have ten million dollars, you end up with a lot more problems then when you started.

At this point I kinda just wish my mind would settle down and I could stop indulging in that illusion so that I could just do what I can do in the here and now and be happy with that.

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