Solitude

This is the tattoo I got when I was 22 years old. It's the kanji symbol for "Kodoku" or "Solitude."

There's a lot of information that needs to be covered to explain what I'm about to talk about, but I'm just gonna hit the high lights and leave it at that for the time being.

There's a huge difference between "solitude" and "isolation." The reality of the situation is that we are never really isolated because everything is connected in one way or another. This has be proven in science recently (last 100 years) and on the spiritual plane (over 4,000 years.)

I got the tattoo because a girl broke up with me after we had dated for 3 years, and had been engaged for a number of months. Long story shot she broke up with me because I was an alcoholic addict that wouldn't stop drinking / using.

She put up with as much shit as she could until she realized that I wasn't getting better, and her quality of life was suffering, so it was better for her to drop me and find another guy.

Because we only have about 30,000 days to live, I am thankful that she spent around 1100 of those with me, but in retrospect those days might have been wasted for her. I know that I can't give those days back to her, and I wish I could but that's outside of my abilities. The best that I can do is pray that God takes care of her and makes up for my short comings.

That's kinda of a personal thing, but back to the main topic, the tattoo.

When I got it, I figured that I was never going to get into another relationship because that one hurt, and I never wanted to feel like that again. What ended up happening is that I got into a few more relationships after that one, and they hurt a lot more...

I got the tattoo at 22, and at 27 I'm starting to realize the importance of solitude. It isn't a matter of being alone, it's a matter of being okay with myself.

When we seek isolation it is because we don't want to be around people. We don't want people to know what we're doing, what we're thinking, or how we're feeling. We want to be disconnected.

When we seek solitude it's because we want to be with ourselves. We like ourselves now, and what's even better is the fact that we get to have those really good conversations with God.

The only thing that made me realize the difference between isolation and solitude is the fact that I accepted the idea that everything is connected. I'm just as connected to the sun as I am a tree that I'm standing right next to. I'm just as connected to some random person in China as I am with the person I'm shaking hands with at any given moment.

So, while I'm sitting in my room with nobody talking to me... I'm still just as connected to everybody on earth as I am with God. It isn't until I start trying to disconnect (isolate) (which is impossible) that I start suffering again. (Some people call it cutting ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit.)

The importance of solitude: Being connected to everything is great, but if we don't take time to sit back and look at ourselves, if we don't take time to undergo some kinda of personal inventory, how do we know what kinda of influence we're having on the world around us?

In our daily lives, are we a negative or positive.... thing..? (person, spirit, life form, being) that's connected to the universe? Do we give our energy, or do we go around sucking up as much energy as we can?

It's only in solitude that we're really going to be able to get the answer to this question from God (Higher Power.)

This is just one of those things that rattles around in my head. If you think I'm wrong, talk to somebody about it, if you have an open mind and understand what I'm talking about at all... cool cool. :)

Any Given Wednesday

I'm not really sure what I'm doing today. I know what I don't wanna do, and that's walk downtown again.

I don't mind walking downtown for a meeting, if I have something plained, or if somebody needs help, but The "walking downtown because I'm board" phase has passed. It's a long walk, and it was neat at first but now it just leaves me tired and cranky.

I've got a whole list of things that I should get done, but my list of things that I need to get done are more important, and the fact that I have things at the house that I would like to take care of basically means that I don't really have time to be board anymore.

The only thing I'd change about my life at the moment? Interaction with other people I think. I spend a lot of time doing my own thing, which at the moment is cool because I've got things I've got'a get done, but it's really easy for me to get lonely at the moment.

Oh well, such is life, and all in all it's a great life at the moment.

The Love Of Money

So I know I was kinda filling in a few of the things that have happened in my life between my last post back in 2010 and now, but something accrued to me in the shower that's kinda worth saying something about I think. (I guess something worth noting is that I do a lot of my praying in the shower.)

So after picking up a lot of information in the Christian based rehab programs that I joined, and with the things that I'm learning while I'm just going to meetings and actually hearing what people have to say, I'm picking up this general vibe that being of service to our fellow man is kinda the key to happiness.

I really had this huge understanding of that concept while talking to my sponsor the other night. We got on the topic of Jesus washing His disciples feet and the thought had been going around in my head for a few days, and the closest thing I could come to as an understanding of what was going on there is that God has always taken care of us.

(Now is a good time to address the fact that this is only what I believe, I could be wrong, and this information is only gonna be palatable for believers, and not even all believers are gonna agree.)

God created the universe, the heaves and the earth... And who did He put in charge of the earth? Who did He kinda "gift" with the honor of taking care of earth? Who gets the most enjoyment out of the beauty of the night sky?
The thought was "God is God, He needs for nothing.. So then why all this? Why the heavens and the earth? Why not just sit around and be happy to be God?"

The only answer I could come up with is that He likes to give us things, even tho He is the ruler of everything, needs for nothing, and knows everything there could ever been known, He still services us because that's the best way.

To truly be of service is what gives meaning and purpose to life. Being God, having authority over the heavens and the earth, having the ability to do whatever you want, and washing your servants feet... and what's more meaningful about that situation, your servants letting you wash their feet.

The reason I named this post "The Love Of Money", and the problem I realized in the shower is that most people don't really want you to help them, they want you to give them money. They'll solve all their problems on their own, they just need money. (Or so they think.)

With the kinda life I've lived, the things I've done, the highs and lows of all of it, one things I know for sure... money doesn't solve anything.

The statement "but you NEED money" gets to me so bad, because I can't think of a single time in my history where money has done anything positive for me aside from given me the ability to pay bills that only existed because of the existence of money. When I hear somebody say "but you need money" it takes so much for me to hold back the reply "NO! You NEED God!! That's IT! There's nothing in this world that money could do for you, that God couldn't do ten times better!"

Then the "beliefs" conversation starts, faith is thrown out the window, and it becomes Money VS God... and I've got'a keep my mouth shut or I because the stupid kid that doesn't know what he's talking about...

Oh well such is life, and I feel a little better after writing this, but I have a feeling it's not gonna make a difference :t