"I will always love you."

A little over a year ago I was a guest of the Salvation Army's Adult Rehabilitation Program, and I remember this very realistic dream I had one night after being there for a little over a month.

I don't remember how it started, but I remember how it ended.

I was sitting in a meeting around a few friends when my ex girlfriends mother walked by us, gave me a very disappointed glare while she shook her head and walked out of the room. The guys sitting around me got quite and one at a time started to get up and walk away.

After the last guy left the room, he closed the door behind him and as soon as the catch latched, the lights went out and I was sitting alone in the dark. In less then a second a figure came out of the shadows and began to beat the crap out of me. I couldn't move, or defend myself at all, and was soon like a lifeless rag laying on the floor.

The shadowy figure then began to drag me around and smash my face threw mirrors, and slam my head into lockers. I remember almost being able to feel it.

Once as much damage as I thought could be done had taken place, the outlined figure then picked me up over his head and threw me into the window shattering the glass and leaving me near death in a pile of glass face up on the concrete outside, surrounded by broken glass and blood.

I remember being face up because I could see the moon clearly, and as the darkened outlined figure of a person came threw the window, I caught my first glimpse of the perpetrator but not from my body. I had a kind of 'outer body experience' in my dream where I could see both my body laying on the ground, and the person assaulting me. As the person approached me I noticed that it was me.

As soon as I recognized myself, I was back in my body, looking up at the moon. I could see the moon clearly, and as I focused on it and tried to ignore this other version of me approaching, I herd or more like felt a voice say to me "I will always love you."

As soon as the phrase was transmitted, I felt my head being slammed onto the concrete and woke up.   

Not up, not down

Today wasn't anything I want to put in the "days to remember" book, but it wasn't really bad either; it was just another day.
I hate that I'm normally the guy that points out the fact that there are no ordinary moments, and each day is as unique as the next, but for some reason I haven't been able to get into the mentality, and I feel myself slipping more and more into the negative as the days pass.

I guess what sucks the most about it is the fact that while I know the days aren't ordinary, the events seem to feel like it. My days don't feel like gifts anymore, they feel more like stages of a process.

I wish I had something positive to post, or something that inspires thought... but at the moment I'm kinda drained, and it feels more and more like that as the days pass... I feel it, but it doesn't feel like there's really anything I can do about it. Nothing changes if nothing changes, but if you change and nothing changes... why bother?

A Glimpse

So I've got a few things going on currently, and some of them are good as well as some of them being bad... I would guess; That's only my judgment of the situations, so I could be wrong.

Other peoples lives are other peoples lives, and I like the idea of the word "glimpse" being in the title of this post because honestly the only thing I have of the other peoples lives that I'm worried about is "a glimpse."
I'd love to spend hours talking about the lives of other people that have done or said things that effect my life, but the reality of it is that I really have no idea what their lives are like - All I have are the results of a few of their actions on the emotional structure of my life. What's sad about that is the fact that it's basically me admitting that I'm letting other people effect my "solitude" and it's making it uncomfortable, but again; I'm the one allowing it.

My four focuses at the moment are a mixture of work, church, college, and recovery. Out of those 4 focuses stem a few different "situations" and I use that word because I can't think of a better one to use at the moment.
The one focus that supersedes all of them is God, and because I don't have a definition to go with God, it kind of makes things a little difficult at times. By that I mean that I rely on God; I trust and believe that He knows what He's doing, and my faith is in Him, but I don't know what He's doing all the time which isn't a bad thing. I think that if I knew what God was doing, I'd mess it up and more then likely not benefit from the blessings that He has in mind.
I may not like how the blessings manifest, but as long as I keep my faith in Him, all will be well.

There are a few difficulties that I've got'a experience today, and by that I just mean a  few events that I don't really want to deal with, but I know that facing them are going to be in direct relation to what may be the greater good for my life. Humility never really feels that good, but being humble before God is the only thing that feels right.