Sunday, March 20, 2016


Despite the fact that I’ve learned the hard way multiple times in my life I still took a friends advice about the medication I am prescribed.
My friend's opinion is that my prescription is a narcotic that can be abused, and will be abused by anybody with an addictive personality.
My psychiatrist’s opinion was that if the new medication works I can stop taking two of the other medications I am on now, and the one prescription would replace the other two.
Like the good “easily influenced by peer opinions” kinda of person I am I stopped taking the prescribed medication because my friend was right. It made me feel better, and although I hadn’t abused the medication in over 4 months I believed him. It has the potential to be abused, and I might have abuse it at some point in time.
The result is that I stopped taking the medication for two weeks, and I felt like complete crap. My psychiatrist thought I was still taking the new medication, and I reported feeling a lot better (this was prior to discontinuing it on my own) she lowered my dose of antidepressant and antianxiety pills…
After two weeks I didn’t even know how depressed I was until I couldn’t get out of bed for two days straight. I had things that I really wanted to do, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t see the point in doing anything because everything was meaningless, and just crap that we use to distract ourselves from the futility of life and existence.
I hadn’t become suicidal yet, but I had gotten to the point of wanting to slit gashes in my arms, and legs every time I had to deal with anybody or anything... Like the check engine light that came on in the van. I became convinced that everything was falling apart. The van was going to break down, and Jessica wasn’t going to be able to finish college, and we were going to be homeless within a few months… and on, and on, and on, and I was constantly pissed off about EVERYTHING!
My wife was just about done with me, and my kids were frightened of me to the point of expressing pure dread on their faces whenever I talked to them. More than likely because I was yelling more than talking. After my wife kicked me out of the house for a few hours I cooled off and tried to figure out why I was so pissed off all the time, and what the hell was wrong with me.
The next morning without even thinking about it I took the medication my psychiatrist prescribed. By the afternoon the fog started to life, and I spent the next few hours remembering things I had done, and said during the two week span of not taking the medication. Overwhelming guilt and shame are the only words I can use to describe the feelings I felt during that time.
I have since started trying to make amends for my behavior during that time, and now that I am taking the medication, which my psychiatrist prescribed for me, I feel like a completely different person. I have hope, and life has a very interesting meaning in every aspect that can be experienced in existence.
The reason I am writing all of this is to illustrate a mentality that a very dear friend of mine has shared with me, and encourages me to employ.
When somebody shares their negative opinion with me about medication that is prescribed to me by my doctor / psychiatrist, and especially if the opinion is that I shouldn’t be taking it, the correct response is; “Are you a fuck’n doctor? If you are a doctor, are you my fuck’n doctor?”
The questions are rhetorical, and will inevitably bring the conversation to and end.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Another Random Post

     So I tried to start a new blog that would focus more on my family rather than just myself, but sadly it seemed to be a project that I started that failed. However it did fail for a noble reason.. I found myself trying to get away from my family in order to keep a blog about my family.

   I've made up my mind to just continue this blog, and adding information about my family into it as I go along. I have had a difficult time merging myself into my family self for a while, but honestly I am a new person now that I have a family so bare with me.


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Wow

I forgot that I even had this blog, and I've been thinking recently that I'd like to start a blog.

I'd like to just continue writing this one, but a lot has happened in the year that I've been away from writing. Just to list a few of the changes:

1: I got married
2: My wife and I just had a child eight weeks ago.
3: I am a student employee and back on track to achieving my goal as a councilor. (Substance Abuse.)
4: I live in a completely different neighborhood.

I don't remember exactly who I've written about in the past on this blog, but most of those people are not really in my day to day life anymore. I am sure it would be confusing to just bring up a whole new list of people without describing them, but it seems more like an acceptable challenge than something that's impossible.

Still considering writing a blog.. Not sure if I'd pick up where I left off with this one or start a whole new one, but in the next few days I'll know for sure.

-Christopher

Thursday, March 22, 2012

"The Culture of Make Believe" by Derrick Jensen:

I thought this was really intresteing, so I copied it from another blog.

From "The Culture of Make Believe" by Derrick Jensen:

"Each holocaust is unique. The destruction of European Jewry did not look like the destruction of the American Indians. It could not, because the technologies involved were not the same, the targets were not the same, and the perpetrators were not the same. The shared motivations and certain aspects of their socialization, to be sure, but they were not the same. Similarly, the slaughter of Armenians (and Kurds) by Turks did not (and does not) look like the slaughter of Vietnamese by Americans. And, just as similarly, the holocausts of the twenty-first century will not, and do not already, look like the great holocausts of the twentieth. They cannot, because society has progressed.

And every holocaust looks different, depending on the class to which the observer belongs. The Holocaust looked far different to high-ranking Nazi officials and to executives of large corporations — both of whose primary concerns would have been how to maximize production and control, that is, how to most effectively exploit human and nonhuman resources — than it looked to good Germans, whose primary concerns were as varied as the people themselves but probably included doing their own jobs — as immoral as those jobs may have been from an external perspective — as well as possible; may have included feelings of relief that those in power were finally doing something about the "Jewish Problem"; and certainly included doing whatever they could not to notice the greasy smoke from crematoria (constructed with the best materials and faultless workmanship). The Holocaust, then, also looked different to good Germans than to those who resisted, whose main concerns may have been how to bring down the system. And, it looked different to those who resisted than it did to those who were the untermenschen, whose main concerns may have been staying alive, or failing that, dying with dignity.

Manifest Destiny looked different to Indians than it did to J.P. Morgan. American slavery looked different to slaves than it did to those whose comforts and elegancies were based on slavery, and than it did to those for whom free black labor drove down their wages.

What will the great holocausts of the twenty-first century look like? It depends on where you stand. Look around.

If you're in group one, the decent White men, your postmodern holocausts will be, as most, barely visible, and, at least, a price you're willing to pay, as Madelaine Albright said about killing Iraqi children. The holocausts will probably share similarities with other holocaust, as you attempt to maximize production — to "grow the economy," as you might say — and when necessary, you attempt to eradicate dissent. This means the holocaust will look like a booming economy beset by shifting problems that somehow always keep you from ever reaching the Promised Land, whatever that might be. The holocaust will look like numbers on ledgers. It will look like technological problems to be solved, whether these problems are increasing your access to necessary resources, dealing with global warming, calming unrest on the streets, or figuring what to do about too many unproductive people on land you know you know could be put to better use. The holocaust will look like houses with gates, limousines with bulletproof glass, and a military budget that can never stop increasing (just yesterday I read that President Bush the Second wants to increase the military budget another $18 billion dollars, to $343.5 billion (not including classified budgets as well as book-keeping shenanigans such as not including interest on military-related debt, the inclusion which would boost the total to $640 billion): Note that for about $6.4 billion — as much as the U.S. military spends on a three-day weekend — sanitary water could be provided for every human being who lacks it; but, of course, sanitary water for human beings has never been the point, or we would never have destroyed our water supplies in the first place). The holocaust will feel like economics. It will feel like progress. It will feel like technological innovation. It will feel like civilization. It will feel like the way things are.

If you are in the second group, you will continue to be co-opted into supporting a system that does not serve you well. Perhaps, the holocaust will look like a new car. Perhaps it will look like eating a bar of chocolate. Perhaps it will look like lending your talents to a major corporation — or, more broadly, towards economic production — so you can make a better life for your children. Perhaps it will look like working as an engineer for Shell or an assembly line for General Motors. Maybe it will look like basing a person's value on his or her employability or productivity. Perhaps it will look like anger at Mexicans or Pakistanis or Algerians or Hmong who compete with you for jobs, and who, of course, because they don't live like fully human beings, can afford to work for less. Perhaps it will look like outrage at environmentalists who want to save some damn suckerfish, even (or especially) if it impinges on your property rights, or if it takes water you need to irrigate, to make the desert bloom, to make the desert productive. Maybe it will feel like continuing to do a job you hate — and that requires so little of your humanity — because, no matter how you try, you can never seem to catch up. Maybe it will feel like being tired at the end of each day, and just wanting to sit and watch television. Such is how it was during the Third Reich, as when Goebbels said, "The broadcasting programs need to be put together in such a way that while they still cater for sophisticated tastes, they are also pleasing and accessible to less demanding listeners . . . They should offer an intelligent and psychologically skillful blend of what is informative, stimulating, relaxing, and entertaining. Of these, relaxation deserves special care . . . giving them a right to recuperate and refresh themselves during the first few hours when they are off work". Such is how it is now in Mexico, where Emilio Azcarraga, the billionaire head of the Mexican media giant Televisa, which has ties to the largest U.S. media firms, says, "Mexico is a country of a modest, very fucked class, which will never stop being fucked. Television has the obligation to bring diversion to these people and remove them from their sad reality and difficult future." I leave it to American readers to decide the degree to which this holds in the United States. As for me, I'm going to be watching "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?".

If you're in the subsection of the third group, who might someday resist but don't know where to put your rage, the holocaust might look like armed robbery, auto theft, assault. It might look like joining a gang. It might look like needle tracks down the insides of your arms, and might smell like the bitter, vinegary stench of tar heroin. Or maybe it smells minty strong, like menthol, like the sweet smell of crack brought into your neighborhood at the behest of the CIA. Or maybe not. Maybe it's the unmistakable smell of the inside of a cop car, and a vision through the rear view mirror of a little girl eating an ice cream cone, with the knowledge that never in your life will you see that sight again. Maybe it looks like Pelican Bay, or Marion, or San Quentin, or Leavenworth. Or maybe it feels like a bullet in the back of the head, and leaves you dying on the streets of New York City, Cincinnati, Seattle, Oakland, Los Angeles, Atlanta, Baltimore, Washington D.C.

If you're a member of the subsection of group three, already working against the centralization of power, against the system, then, maybe, from your perspective, the holocaust looks like rows of black armored policemen, and it smells like tear gas. Maybe it looks like lobbying a Congress that has never served you. Maybe it looks like the destruction of place after wild place, and feels like an impotence sharp as a broken leg. Maybe it looks like staring down the barrel of an American-made gun in the hands of a Columbian man wearing American-made camo fatigues, and knowing you life is over.

For those of the fourth class, the simply extra, maybe it looks like the view from just outside the chain link fence surrounding a chemical refinery, and it smells like Cancer Alley. Maybe it looks like children with leukemia, children with cancer of the spine, children with birth defects. Maybe it feels like the grinding ache of hunger that has been your closest companion since you were born. Maybe it looks like the death of your daughter from starvation, and the death of your son from diphtheria, measles, or chicken pox. Maybe it feels like death from dehydration, when a tablet costing less than a penny could have saved your life. Or maybe it feels like nothing. Maybe it sounds like nothing, looks like nothing. What does it feel like to be struck by a missile in the middle of the night, a missile traveling faster than the speed of sound, launched from a thousand miles away.

Maybe it feels like salmon battering themselves against dams, monkeys in steel cages, polar bears starving on a dwindling ice cap, hogs confined in crates so small they cannot stand, trees falling to the chainsaw, rivers poisoned, whales deafened by sonic blasts from Navy experiments. Maybe it feels like the crack of a tibia under the unforgiving jaws of a leghold trap.

Maybe it looks like the destruction of the planet's life support systems. Maybe it looks like the final conversion of the living to the dead.

As much as I cannot help but see the similarities between prisons and concentration camps, it seems to me a grave error to count on Zyklon-B-dispensing showers to mark the new holocaust. Perhaps the new holocaust is dioxin in polar bear fat, metam sodium in the Smith River. Perhaps it comes in the form of decreasing numbers of corporations controlling increasing portions of our food supply, until, as now, three corporations control more than 80 percent of the beef market, and seven corporations control more than 90 percent of the grain market. Perhaps it comes in the form of these corporations, and governments which provide the muscle for them, deciding who eats and who does not. Perhaps it comes in the form of so much starvation that we cannot count the dead. Perhaps it comes in the form of all of these, and in many others I could not name even if I were able to predict.

But, this I know. The pattern has been one of increasing efficiency in the destruction and increasing abstraction. Andrew Jackson himself took the "sculps" of the Indians he murdered. Heinrich Himmler nearly fainted when a hundred Jews were shot in front of him, which was surely one reason for the increased use of gas. Now, of course, it is all done by economics.

And, this I know, too. No matter what form it takes, most of us will not notice it. Those who notice will pay too little attention. We will follow the rules layed down by Noah and his remaining sons and we will walk backward to not see our father's nakedness. It does not matter how great the cost to others or even ourselves, we will soldier on. We will, ourselves, walk quietly, meekly, into whatever form the gas chambers take, if only we are allowed to believe they are bathrooms."

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Praise for God

     Recently I had a conversation with a friend about what it means to 'Praise God,' because we were having a conversation about corporate churches with paid pastors. My friend pointed out something that I misunderstood because when I hear the phrase 'giving praise to God' I immediately get this image in my head of standing in a building with a bunch of fellow believers, singing with the choir with our hands raise...

      I shared that with my friend, and he reminded me that doing that was only a single form of praise. It got me to thinking about how I don't do that, and I started to wonder how I do praise God if I don't do that.

     What I just thought about a moment ago was the fact that when I hear somebody talk about the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I feel this thing happen inside of me that is hard to explain. I feel like crying, or shouting "YES!" or doing something that feels so over the top that I can't put it into words. What's funny is that I've found recently that once I hear that truth, I want to share it with everybody. I want everybody to hear this truth that I just heard, hopping beyond hope that they get the same feeling...

     I think that may be another way of giving Praise to God, but not only God - Jesus too. Jesus, what he did, what he was all about, how he loved in ways that I could only hope to love one day. I think that's my soul giving Praise to God when I feel that... Who could ask for anything more then to feel their soul giving Praise to God? The very essence of ones being, crying out in joy to the truth of Jesus Christ, and his Father!

It's a little late, and I'm kind of tired. It was a long day, but I wanted to write something about that and publish it to the web before I went to sleep so that I can hopefully build on it later.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Nothing New

I haven't written anything lately because nothing new is really going on. That isn't to say that there isn't something new happening all the time, but as far as my life goes it's kind of the same shit with slightly different events, yet the same result ever time.

The thought that at the end of our lives all we're gonna have are memories, it is a shame that these last few months aren't gonna be anything really worth remembering.

Somebody made a comment today as I was walking by them. They said "You don't look very happy," and my reply was "Typically I'm not." Last I asked myself "Why am I not happy? What's going on? Am I stuck in a 'I'll be happy when' rut that really doesn't have an end to it other then death?

I can either back track these past few months and try to figure out why I'm depressed, or just take the steps to get out of this "depression" and move on.
It's sad that I can't just answer the 'what are you gonna do?' question...

Friday, October 14, 2011

Sympathy vs Empathy - A.A. & N.A.

I just got done reading a publication about Sympathy vs Empathy and because I don't have a huge database of references to pull from, I have to connect that information with biblical scripture as well as Anonymous Recovery terminology because basically.. that's all I've got.

The first thing that came to mind as I was finishing the article about the difference between sympathy and empathy is the relationship I see between the A.A. and N.A. "Oldtimers." (Alcoholics Anonymous & Narcotics Anonymous.)
I don' t know how true the accounting is, but I've been given a few different stories as to why there is such a rivalry between the two fellowships.

Before I turn this into a research paper, I kinda just wanna state my case and leave it at that so I can get back to doing my homework, which I've been lacking on for the past few weeks..

An alcoholic can have sympathy for somebody that's been addicted to narcotics, but would not necessarily share an empathetic perspective unless the person with a narcotic addiction had experienced an addiction to alcohol as well.
A person that solely used narcotics addictively would not share an empathetic perspective with somebody that only drank alcohol. In that case, only a scene of sympathy could be present in the addict.

Unless these emotional states are present in either of the persons, no sense of compassion will manifest and a desire to find differences will pervade. That being the case, ethnocentrism will be the result, and there will be no chance of recovery.

Why that's relevant, or even worth writing anything about, is because I wonder where the children caught in the crossfire sit. Those that have drank alcoholically as well as used narcotics addictively.

People like me don't really have a house to claim, which is why I've found my recovery in Jesus, NOT RELIGION OR CHURCH.

After reading the bible, and being around both the N.A. and A.A. communities, I've learned that they too, like church's, are subject to the folly of religious practices.
You will get you're head torn off by the statement: "We're spiritual, not religious" if you ever make mention to the similarities, but they are there if you know what you're looking for.


The article I read can be found HERE:
http://robin.hubpages.com/hub/Sympathy_vs_Empathy


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Out'a nowhere!

I wanted to write something tonight. I haven't written anything in a while, but I don't feel too bad because I've been keeping up on my V-Log so at least I'm not closing up.

Lot's of stuff has happen since I last posted here, so it would take a while to catch that aspect up. I'm not going to do that because honestly I should be working on my homework/studying, but I've been kinda fucking around for the past few hours and my lack of attention is starting to annoy even me.

I wanna talk about the fact that I feel bad because I haven't had the time to be as apart of Living Stones as I originally intended to be, but it's lame to "feel bad" about that. Honestly me feeling bad that I can't participate in the social aspect of church is insulting when it comes to the reality of why we go to church.

The whole thing is confusing to me because there seems to be a multilayered issue behind my not wanting to attend Living Stones as religiously as I feel like I should, and then there's also the "letting people down" aspect behind that (which is social, so irrelevant) but it's strange that wither any of this is important or not depends on who you ask, or which context the information is being provided in... It's an inconsistency thing which makes it all really difficult to understand...


Anyway, that aside. I read Acts 3 to 5 tonight because I'm keeping up on reading one book of the bible every week with my friend Josh, and it's strange that the book of Acts is where I've noticed things start to get confusing. I couldn't explain it at the moment, but I know God is working in my life in His normal way, and more then likely I wont understand any of this until He wants me too.. I'm good with that, He know's what He's doing even if I don't.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

"I will always love you."

A little over a year ago I was a guest of the Salvation Army's Adult Rehabilitation Program, and I remember this very realistic dream I had one night after being there for a little over a month.

I don't remember how it started, but I remember how it ended.
I was sitting in a meeting around a few friends when my ex girlfriends mother walked by us, gave me a very disappointed glare while she shook her head and walked out of the room. The guys sitting around me got quite and one at a time started to get up and walk away.
After the last guy left the room, he closed the door behind him and as soon as the catch latched, the lights went out and I was sitting alone in the dark. In less then a second a figure came out of the shadows and began to beat the crap out of me. I couldn't move, or defend myself at all, and was soon like a lifeless rag laying on the floor.
The shadowy figure then began to drag me around and smash my face threw mirrors, and slam my head into lockers. I remember almost being able to feel it.
Once as much damage as I thought could be done had taken place, the outlined figure then picked me up over his head and threw me into the window shattering the glass and leaving me near death in a pile of glass face up on the concrete outside, surrounded by broken glass and blood.
I remember being face up because I could see the moon clearly, and as the darkened outlined figure of a person came threw the window, I caught my first glimpse of the perpetrator but not from my body. I had a kind of 'outer body experience' in my dream where I could see both my body laying on the ground, and the person assaulting me. As the person approached me I noticed that it was me.
As soon as I recognized myself, I was back in my body, looking up at the moon. I could see the moon clearly, and as I focused on it and tried to ignore this other version of me approaching, I herd or more like felt a voice say to me "I will always love you."
As soon as the phrase was transmitted, I felt my head being slammed onto the concrete and woke up.   

Not up, not down

Today wasn't anything I want to put in the "days to remember" book, but it wasn't really bad either; it was just another day.
I hate that I'm normally the guy that points out the fact that there are no ordinary moments, and each day is as unique as the next, but for some reason I haven't been able to get into the mentality, and I feel myself slipping more and more into the negative as the days pass.

I guess what sucks the most about it is the fact that while I know the days aren't ordinary, the events seem to feel like it. My days don't feel like gifts anymore, they feel more like stages of a process.

I wish I had something positive to post, or something that inspires thought... but at the moment I'm kinda drained, and it feels more and more like that as the days pass... I feel it, but it doesn't feel like there's really anything I can do about it. Nothing changes if nothing changes, but if you change and nothing changes... why bother?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Glimpse

So I've got a few things going on currently, and some of them are good as well as some of them being bad... I would guess; That's only my judgment of the situations, so I could be wrong.

Other peoples lives are other peoples lives, and I like the idea of the word "glimpse" being in the title of this post because honestly the only thing I have of the other peoples lives that I'm worried about is "a glimpse."
I'd love to spend hours talking about the lives of other people that have done or said things that effect my life, but the reality of it is that I really have no idea what their lives are like - All I have are the results of a few of their actions on the emotional structure of my life. What's sad about that is the fact that it's basically me admitting that I'm letting other people effect my "solitude" and it's making it uncomfortable, but again; I'm the one allowing it.

My four focuses at the moment are a mixture of work, church, college, and recovery. Out of those 4 focuses stem a few different "situations" and I use that word because I can't think of a better one to use at the moment.
The one focus that supersedes all of them is God, and because I don't have a definition to go with God, it kind of makes things a little difficult at times. By that I mean that I rely on God; I trust and believe that He knows what He's doing, and my faith is in Him, but I don't know what He's doing all the time which isn't a bad thing. I think that if I knew what God was doing, I'd mess it up and more then likely not benefit from the blessings that He has in mind.
I may not like how the blessings manifest, but as long as I keep my faith in Him, all will be well.

There are a few difficulties that I've got'a experience today, and by that I just mean a  few events that I don't really want to deal with, but I know that facing them are going to be in direct relation to what may be the greater good for my life. Humility never really feels that good, but being humble before God is the only thing that feels right.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The first of the twelve

Be Trustworthy.

I wasn't able to stay very focused on that word today, but it was a mix between that and God, but ever around the end of the night at work, God even started to fade. (My focus on Him, not Him.)
It's now the end of the night, and I'm able to focus a little more on what's important and not just girls, and work stuff.

Work is work, it's just kinda something I do to make a pay check, and I really like it there but honestly, it's just a job. I couldn't put any more focus into it then I already do. I wish I were a better employee, but I kinda wonder why I want that... I can't help but think that my wanting to be a better employee has to do with wanting the attenuation of a few of the girls that work there, and not just for the sake of being a "good employee." Then the thought process of doing it, and being great at it for the glory of God comes into play, and I always seem to louse sight of that after about 20 mins of work, and after 20 mins after my break.
A side from that, being trustworthy is important for a lot of reasons. Before I put that much into what I have to say about "being trustworthy" I'm gonna give a definition for it.
Trustworthy:

1.) Able to be relied on as honest or truthful - leave a spare key with a trustworthy neighbor
2.) taking responsibility for one's conduct and obligations; "trustworthy public servants"
3.) worthy of trust or belief; "a trustworthy report"; "an experienced and trustworthy traveling companion"

It's kinda funny how I would like to have this kind of characteristic, yet I've stated time and time again "You can't have faith in anybody but God, because people fail."
Honestly that's true, but I don't think that's the kind of "trustworthy" I'm thinking about here. When I use that statement to describe how awesome God is, it goes without saying that you can't really hope for anybody to be as trustworthy as God, but I guess you can trust people to an extent - and as far as I hope, or could ever hope to go with having a characteristic of "being trustworthy" I guess I just kinda mean "doing what I say I'm gonna do, and being responsible for my responsibilities."

That's just what I got for it tonight, and I hope to made learn a little bit more about it, and have something else to say about it later.
As for tonight, I'm done! I've been up for over 17 hours... that's kind of a record for me.

12 points of spiritual reformation

This is gonna kind of be a personal thing, it's not that I think anybody else should follow the these suggestions or give any merit to the idea's listed, but I think for myself if I am gifted with the ability to follow them or shine light on what I'm talking about, they'll be helpful to me.

The twelve points are not new, they are older then me but talked about on a daily basis, and are as follows;

Being;
1.  ) Trustworthy
2.  ) Loyal
3.  ) Helpful
4.  ) Friendly
5.  ) Courteous
6.  ) Kind
7.  ) Obedient
8.  ) Cheerful
9.  ) Thrifty
10.) Brave
11.) Clean
12.) Reverent


I'm not saying that by any means I currently follow any of the suggested principles, but my hope is to after studying these twelve... things... to better understand what these twelve characteristics are like in practicable applications; and to hopefully obtain some kind of spiritual awareness...

My thought is that I can not consider myself to have truly achieved any kind of growth until the show of these characteristics in my daily life are apparent.

If they aren't, then I can't help but accept the fact that I'm still selfish, self serving, and self centered.  

A day later then yesterday

So I'm getting back into my bible which is cool I think.  I told myself that I'd like to have the whole bible read in a year, and I fell back on doing that for a few months, but currently I'm picking it back up and getting it read a little bit everyday.
Not to say that I'm back on track at all, because I know as well as anybody else that I could fall away from it again, but God willing, I'll have it read from cover to cover soon. Right now I'm in Leviticus.... Not an exciting read, but good to be reading it.

Life is just being life. Ups, downs, and everything in between. Friends are getting into relationships, friends are staying in relationships, and friends relationships are falling apart. I'm not in contact with everybody that I was once in contact with, and I'm in contact with people that I wasn't in contact with before. Meetings come, meetings go, church and bible studies come, and go... and all the while I'm left with questions; some that where never answered, new ones that I'd like to seek answers for....

God, work, money, church, meetings, fellowships, relationships, duties, services... These are the things that make up my life, and I'm thankful to God for all of them, yet I don't understand most of them.. It's sad that my writings are so confusing, but I don't think they ever really were that understandable...
I said once, and I think it still holds true; "It doesn't matter if anybody else knows what your talking about... as long as you know what your talking about, that's all that matters." What's more then that is now I don't think it really matters what anybodies else thinks of you (me) as long as God is happy with you (me) then that's all that matters...

Sleep, church, work... maybe a meeting in between... That's what I've got in mind for tomorrow.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

That feeling

I feel like I need to write something. So much has happened over the past few days, and I haven't written anything about it.

One thing that I'd like to do is read over the first few chapters in the big book, but I haven't been able to get myself to just sit down and do it. I've been kind of running around interacting with people, but I'm not sure if anything that I'm doing is really being helpful, or if I'm just interacting with people with out any real contribution.
I hate the idea of having any amount of anything without giving anything in return. Clean time, sober time, time without this, time without that.
Two things I'd like my focus to return to. Bible reading, and meetings.

I don't have the mentality to relate anything that's happened over the past few days, but I hope to have something to say in a few days... Something about something will be nice, but I'll try to turn my focus to producing something soon worth reading... no idea what, but I'll leave that in God's hands.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Prayer Life

   So I know that my prayer life is laking at best. Currently, my prayers consist of me just getting so fed up with what ever's going on that I break down and start trying to explain to God why I'm upset, and how I think I need help.
   It occurred to me earlier this morning that I don't really know how to pray, but I do have a lot of conversations with God. Something that was pointed out to me is my ability to talk, my Grandmother calls it "the gift of gab" which she said is nice because some people are afraid to talk, or just don't want to; I'm not one of them.


So, while sitting alone in my garage I just blurted out "well then how should I pray?" in almost an agitated way, and without even a moment passing I was reminded that somebody asked God's son how to pray once, and an answer was given: 


Matthew 6:1-14
5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
   
9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
   “‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
   on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
   but deliver us from the evil one.[b]
   
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Luke 11:1-12
1 One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.”

2 He said to them, “When you pray, say:
   “‘Father,[a]
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come.[b]
3 Give us each day our daily bread.
4 Forgive us our sins,
   for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.[c]
And lead us not into temptation.[d]’”

 5 Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; 6 a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ 7 And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ 8 I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity[e] he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.
   9 “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
   11 “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[f] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

These two passages are extremely important because they are instruction on the ideal prayer life.

So much has already been written on these two passages, so I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining something that's already been explained over and over again by countless people.
One opinion I am going to express tho is the fact that I don't understand why when other people try to "explain" this passage, they pick and grab all kinds of stuff from all over the bible to either back up what Jesus is saying, or inject their own perspective of how this teaching is given. Didn't Jesus explain it well enough? 

Monday, May 30, 2011

Bloody Sunday!

One thing that's worth noting is the fact that one of my pastors commented on my absents at church today, which isn't that surprising because it's the second Sunday in a row that I missed, and I've also failed to appear at the past 2 community groups...

Work and family events are my excuses, and they are kinda feeble in comparison to God...
While it's obvious that nothing in existence is comparable to God, I hate when people use church attendance as a representational attribute to anyones devotion to God. If I were to be moved by the Holy Sprint to walk across America in a banana costume, and thought for even a second that some how that action would bring glory and honor to God or His son, I'd do it in a heart beat, but if I don't want to go to church for a few weeks, I don't see how that can be used as a defining characteristic of my devotion to God...

Anyway - peoples perceptions of God's relationship with me is the least of my problems, and I don't say that to belittle any aspect of the situation. What ever God would have me do I'll do, but it's hard for me to accept that anything God would want for me would spring out of "people pleasing" motives.
The comment "I don't think your pleasing God" from somebody else is less of a concern for me then if my own thought were "I don't think I'm pleasing to God."

That's been bugging me a bit today, but aside from that the day was nice. The weather was kinda shifty, but the sun came up and I had air in my lungs, so I stayed thankful.
Work went well. Got my credits in.
Got to interact with Cambria which was nice because she's really interesting to be around. I kinda wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with her outside of work, but that's neither hear nor there.
Talked to Steven after he got back from San Fransisco, he's doing well.
Texted with Kristin a little bit, she's neat, but I think my motives with her are scud, so I should put a little more thought into that.
Brian is still an awesome roommate...
I didn't get a chance to talk to Rick, but I'm not gonna finish writing this until after 1am, so I'll have to get a hold of him tomorrow.

All in all, life's great at the moment.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Conclusion to the delema

So I've been beating my head against a wall trying to get a handle on this whole "relationship" thing, and I've talked to a few people that had round about ideas as well as read a few books on different perspectives of "dating life" and the sum of all I've found for myself is this.

1.) I'm paying for it. No matter how I look at, wither it be for the long run, or just for the night. I'm paying for it.
2.) I'm never going to create the "perfect" relationship. It just has to happen. No matter how hard I try, that's just not how it's meant to happen, so that's not how it's going to happen. Just let go of the steering wheel, and if it happens great, if not, oh well.

I'd give a little more information on how I came up with those ideas, but that would just be me throwing my perspective into the ring and it wouldn't change a thing.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

So for the most part I'm really interested in all kinds of things. Not to say that I'm looking into different believe systems, but it's really thought provoking to try and understand other peoples perspectives of life. Comparing those perspectives to my own, and seeking the similarities as apposed to the differences is really stimulating to say the lest.
I had a friend give me a very valuable piece of advice recently. It was simply to; "keep what works, and leave the rest."

I can really see how that concept would be rejected by religious leaders because it voids their authority. Personally I don't understand how that could be a bad thing because the only true authority in my mind is that of Gods, so the less authority I give a person over my sprite the better I can serve God, and not the agendas of another person that's just as blind as me...
That in itself is a personal qualm I have with organized religion, and I'm sure that feeling will be made clear someday in God's time, but as of yet...

Anyway, the reason for this entry; I found another blog entry that seemed intresting and I'm gonna give the idea presented in it a shot and see what happens.
The idea is as follows:

1.)Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).


2.)Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”


3.)Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.


4.)Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry.
This is your purpose.

The blog posting can be found here: How To Discover Your Life Purpose

The idea seems simple, and maybe even unreal to an extent, but I'm gonna give it a shot but I'm gonna alter the steps a little bit to include "Pray for God to open my heart, and make clear my path."

A little personal information as to way I'm gonna do this; I believe that God has a purpose for my life, the only problem is that I have no idea what it is. As a result I constantly find myself jetting off into all kinds of different directions, and for the most part engaging in activities that I really shouldn't be involved in.
The scary thing about that is I've stopped worrying about what other people think about me, so the only judgement I have any fear of is that of Gods.
Not the kind of judgement that other people try to convict me of feeling, but the honest - true judgement of God.

That statement in itself could make up its own blog, so I'm not going to get into it, but I am going to give this "purpose" idea a shot.
Sadly I'm not going to do it as soon as I publish this post because I'm almost afraid that it's gonna work, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to know...
But anyway, I'll post the results.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Your Judge

So I got into a conversation with a friend last night, and he asked a question that I didn't have an answer for. His question was "When did you develop your religious views? When did you "become Christian?"
I didn't really have a come back answer for him, at least not to say that I already had something thought out, because the fact of the matter is that I'm not really sure what it means to be Christian.

I follow Jesus Christ because I believe in my heart, and I've just known from childhood that he is the King, the Lord, and at the very least, the greatest thing to ever happen... Ever...

The problem I guess with that is I've just always known. The only connection I can really give that anybody would ever understand is closely related to a statement that Adolf Hitler made in his book Mein Kampf; "If you tell somebody something long enough, they will believe it."

How that plays out is kind of crazy. At time's I'm thankful to have been told from a very young age that Jesus Christ is Lord, yet other times I'm discontented because I feel like I don't have any other choice then to believe it because I wasn't raised with any other belief system, or an opportunity to even consider the possibility that any other existence could be possible.
I started that statement correctly because more often then not, I am thankful to know that Jesus Christ is The King in ways that most people can't really comprehend.
At times, when I'm able to comprehend this existence in it's totalliay, and not just from the perspective I have, everything - EVERYTHING Jesus said makes complete sense and when I can even remotely comprehend just a few of his statements, it just brings me to my knees and I become so amazed at his wisdom, and shocked that he walked so long ago and yet knew what he did that I'm just thankful to have in my heart the knowledge that on my last day of life, and first day of eternity, he will be my judge and nobody else.

That's based off my new understanding of the fact that Jesus Christ is Lord, and only God can judge me, so why would I care about anybody else's judgement?